Annoyance

I can't help but feel that I am being an emotional child about this - but the whole situation since the death of my Grandmother has me in various states of annoyance and outright bloody anger. Let me list my grievances in the hope that writing them down will somehow prove therapeutic:

1) Prior to the death, as I am sure I have mentioned to various poor souls, I went to see my Grandparents. I asked to see my Grandmother who was bed bound due to the cancer. I got to say nothing that I wanted to (or even needed to) as my two aunts and mother were hovering around. Wasted an important part of the visit for me - although hopefully this was not the case for Nan. On my next visit said aunts and mother apologise and all is well, I get the time with both my Grandparents and say my goodbyes as I want to.

2) Grandmother passes away and I am told that a latin reqieum will be held at 11am today. Last night my cousin Hannah tells me this is no longer on - in fact it was cancelled several days ago. Thanks all for fucking telling me. I am obviously in the circle of trust. I can actually understand this happening - and reading my post a second time feel I should add that this is an annoyance but only that. It was a human mistake.

3) Yesterday my Mum, two aunts and two uncles lock themselves away in a room all night (just as they did last time Ru and I visited). At 11pm I am asked if I would like to take the communion offering up with my youngest cousin Lorna. Yeah right - bearing in mind my opinions where the Catholic church is concerned (which admittedly do pendulum somewhat), and my opinions about being shut out of the whole process so far, was it any surprise when I replied - "Thanks, but no thanks".

4) My Mother decides that I have not been supportive of her. Not sure what she wants - I have had around 4 calls from her in 4 weeks. I have called her over 13 times (checked my mobile log). The math speaks. Plus, lets be honest - my mother and her siblings have made their opinion of how this works abundantly clear - they want to be left alone in their conclave - so leave them alone I shall.

5) Having said to Mother that Ru will not be taking eucharist, and neither will I as I do not practise Catholicism, imagine my surprise when the priest offers blessings to non-Catholics and those non-practicing Catholics who will not be taking communion. Now, if I DON'T want eucharist what on earth makes anyone think I want a blessing!! This was obviously a word in his ear from someone in my family and set my bloood raging. Helped stop any tears though at the funeral as I was too angry to be sad. Also meant I didn't follow the service as my usual negativity towards Catholicism boiled over to vehement hatred. Seriously understood for the first time the concept of drawing strength from negative emotions - that rage kept me going.

6) Went to the burial, where my uncle Paul asked me to help guide guests - which I was happy to do. So, I stood there at the cemetary gate and directed people towards the grave. Whilst I was doing this they went ahead and FUCKING buried her. Never rang me to ask me to rush or anything. This was the worst thing and I will not, in the forseeable future, forgive this. They were so rude to do this. It is extremely hurtful - a call would have taken 10 seconds. Thats what I am worth apparently - not even 10 seconds of time.

I did write more - but in all honesty I deleted it because I do understand how all this happened. Everyone was upset and looking out for me was hardly going to be on the list. But it does suck and I am unhappy, sad and damaged by it. Nothing more i can say.